


Best I Ever Had, The

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-04-05
Updated: 2003-04-05
Packaged: 2019-05-30 17:28:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15101552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Sequel to "Show me the Meaning of Being Lonely".  Picks up 2 months later.





	1. Best I Ever Had, The

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

 

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. And the song is not mine either.

This story goes along with "I'll Be" and it's sequel "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely". It starts two months after "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely" lets off.

Best I ever had

By Mer

Part 1

It had been a little over two months since my accident. I had received some head trauma, which caused me to have double vision and severe headaches for a week or so. My back injury could've been a lot worse; I guess the truck just narrowly missed my spinal cord. Unfortunately, I still had major muscle damage. As a result, I had lost most of my lower body strength. I wasn't able to walk or stand for long periods of time, though my physical therapist assured me it would eventually come back.

Unlike, last time when I couldn't work this time they practically begged me to as soon as my double vision went away. So I worked from my hospital bed via laptop and cell phone. And unlike last time, Donna was not at my side. In fact she hadn't even been to see me. My phone calls and e-mails to her went unreturned. Mrs. Bartlet told me that Donna was still in shock due to what she had said during our fight. She confessed that Donna might never get over it.

Yet here I was working on the house that I had bought for Donna. With me in the hospital, everyone else felt it was their duty to do a majority of the work. I was kind of grateful for that. But they would kill me if they saw me painting the nursery right now. Sure, I was allowed to work, but everyone knew what my limitations were and they weren't afraid to let me know about it. And to illustrate my point, I heard C.J. walking down the hallway.

"Joshua, just what in the hell do you think you're doing?" C.J. asked as she saw me painting.

"Painting a wall?" I replied knowing that she would be angry about my reply.

"Didn't your doctor say that you need to be limiting your standing? Sit down right now." She stated

"He said that..." I protested.

"Sit down Josh." C.J. commanded in a voice I knew better than to disagree with.

I did what I was told and I sat down in a chair I had purposely brought in the room. I mainly got around in a wheel chair but I wanted to walk a little so I had used my crutches. I had brought a chair in there as well because I knew I wouldn't be able to stand for long. The chair was for when I took my breaks.

"What are you trying to do? And don't say paint a wall because I can see that." C.J. asked sarcastically.

"I have nothing better to do." I replied honestly.

"Josh, it's Saturday afternoon there is a lot you can do. I mean how many Saturday's do we get off?" C.J. asked.

"Actually, we worked this morning so I..." I replied in a smart-alec voice.

"I meant...oh never mind. You are impossible sometimes. I don't know how Donna puts up with you." C.J. said as she threw her hands up in disgust.

My face fell. Donna hadn't been putting up with me and C.J. knew that. Her face turned a ghostly white once she realized what she said.

"I didn't mean it like that." She said softly.

"I know." I replied slowly, looking down to avoid the look of pity in her eyes.

"Why don't you just go home? Sam, Toby, and I had planned on painting in here today. We've got it covered." C.J. stated gently.

"Go home, that's funny C.J. Let me see should I go back to the apartment that barely has anything in it because I was getting ready to sell it? Or should I go back to the apartment in which I doubt I'm welcome?" I snapped, but I instantly regretted the harshness of my voice.

"And taking it out on me is going to solve all your problems? Didn't you see how much that helped last time?" C.J. replied in an equally harsh tone.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to snap. And this isn't like the last time." I apologized.

"Josh have you been getting help with this?" C.J. asked as concern replaced the harshness.

"There's a plus side to needing physical therapy, you can schedule actual therapy sessions and nobody notices." I replied with a little smile.

"So you have talked to someone?" C.J. asked.

"Yeah the doctor that Stanley referred me too. I've only had to meet with him a couple of times since Christmas." I stated.

"Is it helping?" C.J. asked in an accusing tone.

"I thought it was, but I guess not." I replied getting annoyed with her accusations.

"I didn't mean it like that. I only meant that you've had a lot to deal with in a short amount of time. You scared us last time and you said you were okay then." C.J. explained.

"I know I did. I'm sorry for that but I thought I could handle it on my own. I realize now that I was wrong. I got preventive help this time." I replied.

"Preventive help, maybe I should use that if it ever comes up in a press conference or something." C.J. stated.

"Okay what is your problem? What exactly have I done to anger you today?" I asked trying to figure out what was wrong.

"You've only been out of the hospital for less than a week. Your supposed to be trying to get your strength back not trying to kill yourself." C.J. commented.

"This is so different than last time." I said but from the look on her face she didn't care.

I got up and I kind of hobbled over to the window. The ledge was big enough to have a window seat and I had been contemplating putting in. I sat down and I kept my back to C.J. I looked outside and saw the spring was in full bloom. Spring was supposed to bring about hope.

"Josh, why are you doing this to yourself?" C.J. asked.

"Because I love her. I love her with all of my heart. I know that she is upset right now because she thinks I can't forgive her for what she said that day. I was hurt yes, but I knew she didn't mean it." I replied.

"But Josh she has pushed you out of her life and while she is carrying your child no less." C.J. stated.

"As much as I would like the baby to be mine..." I began.

"What are you saying? Josh?" C.J. asked in a shocked voice.

"I'm saying that the baby isn't mine. I wish I was the father." I repeated softly.

"How can you even say that?" C.J. asked tugging on my shoulder and pulling me around to face her.

"I'll give you the long version. Donna had a boyfriend Robbie before we were married. They were together somewhere around a month. I met him once and it made me realize that she needed someone better. I was jealous so I began to examine my jealously and I realized that I had feelings for her. It took Amy's death for me to realize that I loved Donna. I loved her and that is why I was jealous and that was why I ached inside whenever we were apart for too long." I began.

"Oh Josh." C.J. mumbled.

"Anyway, I went in to work that morning needing to tell Donna about my loss. I needed her to comfort me and tell me that everything was going to be all right. But I found her in my office curled into a ball. She looked as shattered and as broken as I felt inside. When she told me it was Robbie who died, I instantly knew I would have to wait to tell her about Amy. As I comforted her she announced that she thought she was carrying Robbie's child. I knew in that instant that I had been given the chance that I was waiting for." I continued.

"Josh." C.J. said softly.

"I told her that I loved her and that I wanted to be her baby's father. I told her that I wanted to be there for both of them. I still do." I replied softly.

"I'm gonna kill her." C.J. muttered under her breath.

I raised my eyebrows but I didn't pursue the matter. I couldn't stop C.J. from being mad at Donna, when there were times I could barely stop myself. I was about to say something when I heard Sam screaming from the living room. I shrugged my shoulders and I counted to three on my fingers. When I got to three Sam appeared.

"C.J., Toby have you seen Josh? I really need to..." Sam began but stopped when he realized C.J. was talking to me and not Toby.

"Hi Sam." I said and I gave him a little wave.

"Josh, this came for you after you left." Sam said slowly as he waved an envelope.

I saw the envelope that he had in his hand and I knew what it was. I tried to conceal the horror I felt inside. C.J. must have caught a glimpse of that horror in my eyes because she began to yell at Sam.

"Are you stupid or something?" She asked icily.

"What did I do now?" Sam asked sheepishly.

"Do you have any idea..." C.J. began but I raised my hand up and she stopped.

"It's not Sam's fault." I said gently.

"See." Sam said as he looked over at C.J. and grinned. "What's in here anyway?"

"Divorce papers from Donna, I assume." I stated quietly.

The gleeful expression on Sam's face changed to a look of sadness. I couldn't look at either one of them so I turned and looked back out the window. I wanted to crumple the envelope up and burn its contents. But I knew that I couldn't. Donna didn't want to be my wife anymore. I guess I should have figured that out.

"Josh do you want to talk about this?" C.J. asked softly.

"Not right now. I need to go and think about some things." I replied as I turned and began to leave the room.

"Do you want us to finish..." Sam began to ask, but C.J. stopped him.

"Yes he does. Sam, I have an errand to run myself. Will you tell Toby that I'll be back later?" C.J. asked.

"Uh huh. Josh, I didn't know what it was. I swear." Sam stated softly.

"I know." I replied and I went in to the other room and I got into my wheelchair.

"Do you need any help?" C.J. asked.

"I'll manage." I replied with a heavy sigh.

"Will you call me later if you are ready to talk?" C.J. asked.

I nodded even though we both knew that I probably wasn't going to call. I made my way to my car and I put the wheelchair in the back seat. The divorce papers had been shoved into my book bag. I hadn't even opened them yet. I never wanted too.

_So you sailed away_  
In to a gray sky morning  
Now I'm here to stay  
Love can be so boring 

  


	2. Best I Ever Had, The 2

 

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. And the song is not mine either.

Best I ever had

By Mer

Part 2

"I'm sorry that Mr. Lyman was unable to be here today but I'm sure you'll tell him all about the good news." Dr. Andi Alison began.

"The good news?" I asked in an unsure voice.

"Oh yes, I guess I didn't tell you did I? You are having twins, possibly triplets." Dr. Alison replied with a smile.

"Excuse me?" I asked in a shocked voice.

"Yup, I'd say the twins are almost three months along." Dr. Alison stated.

"Shouldn't I be closer to four months?" I asked in the same shocked voice.

"It's possible, but I highly doubt it. Why was there some romantic weekend that you wanted to have done the trick?" Dr. Alison asked.

"Something like that." I muttered.

I changed back into my clothes and as I did, I did a little math. If the doctor said that I was barely three months along that meant that I couldn't have been pregnant with Robbie's child. As I let that sink in for a moment it suddenly dawned on me who the father was. Josh was the father of my twins and not Robbie.

I felt a huge wave of panic come over me. The doctor had to be wrong. They never could be one hundred percent could they? I couldn't be carrying Josh's babies. I couldn't be carrying Josh's babies because I just filed for divorce.

I walked out to my car and I smacked myself on the forehead. Oh what had I done? I hadn't talked to Josh since that fight I had with him in his office. I felt too ashamed to go visit him in the hospital. And then when he came back to work earlier this week I felt too ashamed because I wasn't even his assistant anymore. I had forced myself out of his life.

Everyone had been really supportive of me. They hadn't had a word about me not going to visit Josh in the hospital. Hell, I didn't even know the full extent of his injuries. I knew that he was in a wheelchair but I had also seen him walking around with crutches. My mind just wouldn't let me get past what I had told him. I couldn't get past that I told him to get hit by a car.

Granted, I know I was mad. But I was mad about something really stupid. And granted I didn't mean what I said, but how many people actually get hit by a car after someone to tells them to? I felt so immensely guilty that I even considered quitting my job.

I would quit my job but I have nowhere else to go. I'm three months pregnant, with twins no less and the people I work with are the closest thing I have to family. I can't really go home because I don't get along real well with my folks. They are still mad at me for allowing myself to get mixed up with Dr. Freeride, as Josh loves to refer to him as. Plus, they would hate me for divorcing the father of my babies.

I have made plenty of mistakes in my life and I'm pretty sure that this ranked right up there. I needed to talk to Josh. I needed to tell him that I was sorry and that didn't really want the divorce. I needed to hold him and tell him that I loved him.

I started to drive to his apartment but I stopped and went back to my place. It would be pretty naïve of me to just go over to his apartment and expect him to forgive me. I knew that he sent me flowers every day, but was there another reason behind them? Did he just want me to think that he wasn't mad at me? Knowing Josh I knew that it was probably tearing him up inside.

I went to my apartment and I saw a lot of Josh's things. We had been living together for about a month before his accident. I picked up our wedding picture. A beautiful waterfall was in the background and we both looked so happy. I traced his image with my finger as a tear streamed down my cheek.

"I'm so sorry Josh." I whispered.

  __

Nothings quite the same, now

I just say your name now

I wiped the tear away and then there was a knock at my door. A smile came to my lips as I thought that it could be Josh. I looked through the peephole and I saw C.J. instead. She didn't look very happy either. With a sigh I opened the door and I let her in.

"Hi, is there something you wanted?" I asked once I let her in.

"I think it's about time that we had a little chat." C.J. replied in a harsh tone.

I looked down at the floor. I felt like a little kid who had been caught doing something wrong and was about to be punished. C.J. and Josh were friends and I knew that. I knew that they all weren't going to stand by and say nothing to me forever. C.J. was really mad and I think it was because she knew what I was doing to Josh.

"I can't believe you could be so cruel." C.J. began.

"Why?" I asked quietly.

"Do you know what you're doing to him? I bet you probably do because you've been around him enough to know that he wears his heart out on his sleeve. I was there that day when you were so afraid that he wouldn't be able to forgive you for what you said. I was the one who comforted you, and I told you that Josh loved you and that he would forgive you. I never dreamed that you would just stop talking to him. I never dreamed that you would let that stupid fight come between the two of you." C.J. lashed out.

"But I told him..." I began in a trembling voice.

"I don't care what you told him. So you told him to go get hit by a car, so what. I mean come on that's just an expression. No one ever really means it to happen." C.J. snapped.

"But it did happen." I said weakly.

"Yeah, you're right you told Josh to get hit by a car and he did. That right there should show that he is willing to do anything for you." C.J. snapped sarcastically.

"I also said that he should've died the night he was shot." I protested.

"Oh yeah I forgot about that one." C.J. said as she rolled her eyes. "You know when he woke up in the hospital the second time his first question was about you. When we told him you weren't there he was crushed. If he was mad at you then wouldn't he have been joyous you weren't there? And if he was mad at you why would he make sure you have a fresh bouquet of flowers every day?"

"I don't know." I said in an ashamed voice.

"The thing that gets me is that you're what three months pregnant or more?" C.J. asked.

"Yeah." I replied slowly.

C.J. paused to gather her thoughts and it made me remember when I announced that I was pregnant. I announced it while Josh was still in his three-day coma or whatever it was. No one was sure whether to be happy or sad because it looked like Josh wasn't going to be around to be the father. I had told Josh that I wanted to wait and tell everyone when we could tell them all together. I bet that crushed him when he found out I told everyone. God, I've been a bitch, no wonder C.J. is laying into me.

"I was talking to Josh about that today and he told me something very interesting." C.J. said as she angrily let her sentence hang.

Oh no, Josh told C.J. that I was carrying Robbie's child. Why did he tell her? Oh and how am I going to tell him that I'm probably carrying his twins? How is he ever going to believe me? And if C.J. knows who else knows? I'm screwed and C.J. knows it.

"Don't worry I forced the little confession out of him. You know the saddest part of this all is that he truly wanted to be the child's father. He was all ready to be a father and you have taken that away from him too. I don't know what you thought to accomplish by telling him that he could be the father and then just yanking that away. You know how his state of mind has been lately. I'm sure that it's only gotten worse with your betrayal." C.J. snapped.

"I never said that I was taking the baby away from him." I protested.

"Oh yeah so what the divorce is just a minor technicality? Like he can really get legal visiting rights to a child that isn't biologically his, and that isn't even born yet." C.J. exploded.

Tears that had been welling up in my eyes began to cascade down my cheeks. C.J. was making me out to be this horrible monster. The worst part about it all was that she was absolutely right. I had been so horrible to Josh. I deserved to be the one who got hit by the truck. I deserved to be the one who died.

"He still loves you though. Despite everything that you have put him through he still loves you. He didn't marry you just because you were pregnant. He married you because he truly wanted to spend the rest of his life with you." C.J. said, her voice suddenly soft and gentle.

"How can he still love me? Isn't that why I have done the things I have? I haven't talked to him since that day I screamed at him in his office. I have ignored him and I have asked for a divorce. I basically let him believe that I didn't give a damn about him." I screamed through my tears.

"I don't know why you did the things you did. But I do know that you still care about him." C.J. replied quietly.

I was stunned. Why did C.J. do this turnaround? I was evil, I was a bitch, and I deserved to be yelled at. Why did she suddenly try and take my side? I could tell that she was still angry with me, why didn't she just let that anger continue to flow?

"I came here today because I was there when Josh received the divorce papers. He was trying not to show any emotion, but he couldn't hide the pain from his eyes. Up until this afternoon I think that he still had some hope that you would forgive him." C.J. replied as if she was reading my mind. "I was so angry at you for destroying him and I thought that we all had been silent long enough. But I realized that you were scared. You were scared of losing the man you love so you pushed him away. You pushed him away so that it would be your fault and not his."

"I'm so sorry." I said in a whisper.

"Do you really want the divorce?" C.J. asked as I shook my head. "Then you have to tell him that."

"I don't deserve him." I moaned.

"Maybe not, but he deserves to be happy. And that month before his accident he was the happiest that I have ever seen him. He wasn't even grumpy in the mornings." C.J. joked.

"It was the happiest I have ever been." I confessed.

"Then you have to find him and you have to tell him that. If you go through with this divorce than you will be losing a terrific guy. You will be losing a man who loves you with all his heart." C.J. stated.

C.J. left a few minutes later. I felt more confused than ever. It made me again think of all the mistakes I have made in my life. I couldn't let losing Josh be one of them. But how could he ever take me back? He would be crazy to after all I have put him through. How could I hurt someone who I loved more than anything? He was the best thing in my life. Why was I so cruel?

  __

But it's not so bad

You're only the best

I ever had

You don't want me back

You're just the best

I ever had

 


	3. Best I Ever Had, The 3

 

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. And the song is not mine either.

Best I ever had

By Mer

Part 3

I drove away and I wasn't exactly sure where to go. A voice in my head screamed for me to go over to Donna's. I shoved that thought aside even though I could use the excuse that I was getting my things. Donna was the last person I wanted to see right now. I could feel an ache in my chest, an ache that only she could cause.

I hadn't really been paying too much attention to where I was driving when suddenly I realized I was at the White House. I guess I could go and sulk in my office. No one was still here anyway. I would be unnoticed and I could get angry in peace.

I grabbed my crutches and I hobbled inside. I didn't even bother to grab the wheelchair out. So what if I was going to exhaust myself, I didn't really give a damn. I made it to my office in record time. Okay, record time for someone with crutches, and with an agenda on his mind. But I was also exhausted after about halfway to my office.

I made it to my office and I sank down on my couch. I had no idea what I was going to do. I pulled my bag onto the couch with me. The divorce papers were still unopened and thrown carelessly inside. Did I really want to look at them? Deciding that I had better I unzipped the bag and pulled them out.

I glanced over them, as the lawyer I had gone to school to be would look at them. The lawyer in me was saying that everything looked to be in perfect order. The husband in me was saying that this wasn't right. I didn't know what to do.

I went to my desk and I grabbed a picture of Donna and me. I sank back down on the couch looking at her smile. God, she was beautiful, and we looked so happy in this picture. C.J. had taken it before we were even a couple. Actually come to think of it the picture was taken the day before I was shot.

I looked at the divorce papers that I had placed on the floor and the picture in my hand. Where had everything gone so wrong? What had I done to make Donna hate me so much? I know we had a fight but was it really worth getting a divorce over? I wasn't sure what we had even been fighting about anymore. That day was such a blur.

After a while I felt myself starting to fall asleep. I tried to fight it for a while but I decided to give in. I hadn't been sleeping a lot lately, so I guessed that I should take any sleep that wants to come my way. I began to dream about the shooting again. I had done a lot of that lately. But this time was different; this time Donna had pulled the trigger.

I jolted awake and I realized that I was breathing extremely hard. I was clutching my chest as I did that night. I also noticed that Toby was right next to me with a worried expression on his face. He looked as if he had been trying to wake me up.

"Hi." I said as I still tried to catch my breath.

"You okay?" Toby asked slowly.

"Yeah why?" I replied even though he knew I was lying.

"I wasn't even aware that anyone was here. I had just come back from a meeting and was on my way to paint when I heard glass shatter. I came here and I saw that you were having some sort of nightmare." Toby stated concerned as I looked down at the floor.

I must've still had the picture in my hand when the nightmare started because it was shattered on the floor. Glass was lying everywhere. I checked my hands to make sure I wasn't bleeding. I would get in so much trouble if I cut my hand again.

"I have nightmares still. The doctor said that they are normal, and can be brought on by some major emotional change." I said quietly.

"Did something happen today?" Toby asked softly.

"Donna filed for divorce." I said slowly.

"Oh she went through with it huh?" Toby said absently.

"You knew about this?" I asked in a shocked voice.

"She is my assistant now Josh." Toby snapped harshly, but judging from the look on his face he didn't mean for it to sound like that.

"I didn't realize that she told you her innermost secrets." I snapped back.

"Josh, I didn't mean to find out. I just caught Donna at her desk talking to a lawyer. I overheard part of her conversation. And when I asked Donna about it later she said that she was considering it. I didn't know you were going to get mad at me for not telling you." Toby stated trying not to look like the bad guy.

"I'm not mad at you." I replied weakly.

"Believe me Josh I know what you're feeling right now. I'm a divorced man, remember?" Toby said trying to make a joke.

"How are things with C.J. going?" I asked as his face turned red.

"We were talking about you and Donna." Toby replied as he was trying to play it off.

"I don't know what to do Toby. I guess I'll just sign the thing and give her what she wants." I replied.

"Is that what you really want?" Toby asked.

"No, but this paper isn't about what I want. If were about what I want then I wouldn't be here talking to you right now. I would be with my wife." I replied quietly.

"I know. Josh are you sure that your okay? I mean with everything that has happened to you lately..." Toby's voice trailed.

"You have been spending too much time with C.J. I believe I already got this lecture two hours ago. I'll tell you what I told her I've been talking to someone. I'm fine, Toby. Well, as fine I can be when the woman I love doesn't want to be married to me anymore." I stated.

"Wanna get drunk?" Toby asked in a way that I just had to smile about.

"I'd love too, but one of the medicines I'm taking won't allow it." I replied with a frown.

"You aren't getting addicted to that stuff are you? I mean we already almost had a disaster with Leo." Toby asked with a half-smile.

"Funny. No it's some sort of medicine that helps my blood circulation. I dunno I barely paid attention to what my doctor said." I commented.

"I can see that." Toby said as he pointed to my crutches.

"Hey he never said that I couldn't walk at all." I replied.

"Ahhh, I see." Toby replied.

"Anyway don't you have to get to Sam? He is alone at the house." I said.

"Yeah. C.J. called and said that she was on her way back over." Toby stated and I watched his eyes light up.

"Somebody's in love." I teased.

"Oh yeah well, I doubt I could look as goofy as you." Toby replied as I tried to protest. "Or have you forgotten your bouncy days? Leo wanted us to make sure you cut back on your coffee. But C.J. told him that wasn't it."

"My bouncy days are over." I commented sadly.

"Have you even tried to talk to her?" He asked.

"Do I even need to justify that with a response?" I asked.

"No, talk to her. I mean physically go up to her and talk to her." Toby commanded.

"Aye-Aye Captain." I mocked.

"Joshua, I'm being serious about this." Toby warned.

"Yeah I'll get the door slammed in my face once more for good measure." I stated angrily.

"So you are just going to let her have the divorce?" Toby asked.

"I don't know." I replied with a shrug.

"You love her Josh. Don't make the same mistake I did with Andrea." Toby stated.

"I don't even know if she will talk to me. I don't even know if she still cares about me. I haven't talk to her in two months." I said softly.

"She loves you. She drives me nuts because she is too consumed in trying to catch glimpses of you to be my assistant." Toby offered.

"She has not been trying too spy on me." I protested.

"Care to place a bet on that? There are security camera's here somewhere." Toby offered.

"So why does she suspiciously leave her desk every time I have to come talk to you?" I asked.

"Are you really that dense?" Toby asked.

"What did I do? I have sent her e-mails, I have called her, and I have sent her flowers everyday? How does her leaving her desk and me not knowing why make me dense?" I asked.

"Because she feels guilty for what she said, because she feels guilty because you got hurt, and because she's afraid that you will hate her because she feels guilty." Toby stated.

"I'm glad we cleared that up. Toby, I can see why your marriage lasted." I cracked.

"She thinks that you want the divorce." Toby clarified.

"Oh yeah I'm really acting like a man who wants a divorce." I replied in an exasperated voice.

"Have you gone out of your way to see her? I mean have you gone and gotten your things from her apartment? Have you told her that you are making the rest of the senior staff re-model a house for her? Have you..." Toby began but interrupted him.

"So this is my fault now?" I asked.

"Yeah, couldn't you get out of the way?" Toby asked but instantly regretted that remark.

"No, I think I have already shown my inability to get out of the way of danger." I replied.

"Josh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to sound that way. This wasn't your fault. Just don't give up on Donna yet. I'll talk to her for you." Toby offered.

"Great then she'll just think it's her fault even more." I muttered under my breath.

"I heard that. I know you're upset right now. I know that you think you have exhausted your options. But don't you owe it to your heart to see if there is at least one more?" Toby asked.

I could only nod. Damn, he was good. He just smiled at me and left my office. That whole conversation was weird. Toby had smiled too much. He did make a couple of good points though. I should try at least once more.

I bent down and I started to clean up the glass. C.J. would kill me if she found out from the janitorial staff that there was glass on my carpet. Once I was satisfied that I had cleaned all of the glass up, I picked the picture back up.

  __

So you stole my world

Now I'm just a phony

Remembering the girl

Leaves me down and lonely 

Donna was my world. I had been so looking forward to being her baby's father. I couldn't just give her up. I shoved the divorce papers back into my bag. I hoped to be burning them soon. Donna wasn't going to get rid of me that easily.

  __

Send it in a letter

Make yourself feel better


	4. Best I Ever Had, The 4

 

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. And the song is not mine either.

Best I ever had

By Mer

Part 4

My mind was still numb from the conversation that I had with C.J. I knew that something was seriously wrong with me. I had been so cruel to the man who as C.J. put it loved me with his whole heart. What I had done was so terribly wrong. I was beginning to think I needed professional help. It dawned on me that I had the number of Josh's first shrink Stanley.

That Stanley was an old friend of Josh's father or something like that. I know that he had sent us a congratulations card after he found out we were married. I searched the apartment for the card. I know it said something like we could see him anytime.

I finally found the card and with trembling hands I dialed the number. Luckily, Stanley was home and he agreed to see me right away. I guess he could from the panic in my voice that I really needed to talk to him. He told me to come right over. I hoped that maybe he could shed some light on why I had done what I had done.

But it's not so bad

You're only the best I ever had

You don't want me back

You're just the best I ever had

On my way over there I thought about how irrational this seemed. Here I was going to talk to a shrink that I had never met in person to ask him about why I had been so heartless to my husband. I knew that to anyone else it might seem like a big stretch but I didn't care. I was through racking my brain for the answers. I needed an impartial person to help me.

"Donna, why don't you have a seat, and tell me what's wrong?" Stanley said as I walked in.

"I've really messed things up with Josh." I confessed as I sat down on the couch.

"I'm sorry to hear that. What can I do to help?" Stanley asked.

"We had this huge fight and then Josh got into that accident and..." I began as my voice trembled.

"And what Donna?" He asked softly.

"And I haven't talked to him in two months." I replied.

"Okay." Stanley said slowly as if he were trying to piece the puzzle together by himself.

"Would you like to maybe start from more of the beginning?"

"How far back to you want me to go?" I asked quietly.

"Well, I guess as far back as you are comfortable with." Stanley stated.

"After Josh was shot everyone was worried about him, including me you know? Well, I should say especially me. We all saw that something wasn't right with him. After it finally came out that Josh had Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder I figured that Josh would finally let me help him. That he would finally let me be the one he confided in." I started.

"Okay maybe we ought to back up just a little bit more. Maybe you should explain your relationship with Josh, pre-and post shooting." Stanley stated.

"I guess I should start from the time I met Josh huh?" I asked.

"It might be a little helpful." Stanley suggested.

"I went to New Hampshire because I wanted to work on a presidential campaign and I needed to forget my loser boyfriend. So I snuck into Josh's office and I kind of made myself his assistant. Josh was shocked at first but then he grew to accept me. We became more than assistant/boss, we became really good friends. I was the one he would turn to when he was drunk and couldn't remember where he lived and he was the one I turned to after the latest loser broke up with me." I said.

"I understand. Continue." Stanley urged.

"I wasn't there the night that Josh was shot, he had let me go home. But when I heard about the shooting I rushed to the hospital. I felt like such an idiot because Toby told me that Josh was hit and I asked with what? I knew that they had been shot at but I didn't want to accept it. I waited through his surgery praying that he would be all right. I needed him to be all right." I said as I remembered that horrible night.

"Go on when you're ready." Stanley urged quietly.

"And then when he began his recovery I was there for him everyday. I took him lunch and I kept his other friends from work away. He scared me that night and I wasn't about to let him overdo it. Josh was frustrated with me because he wanted to get back to normal, but I know he appreciated me. I know that I gave him something to smile about, instead of dwelling on something else." I recalled.

"Yeah I'm sure that he appreciated company." Stanley commented.

"But then he came back to work and our little private get to-gather's stopped. He had recovered physically and I didn't even think that he wasn't recovered emotionally. It never even crossed my mind. Josh started to get grumpier and he seemed to get set off easily but no one really worried about it at first. We believed him when he said that he was okay. But he wasn't okay, and eventually we figured that out and got him help. Just in time I might add because he punched his hand through a window the night before." I said as the image made me shudder.

"But you got him the help he needed right?" Stanley asked.

"Yeah. By the time Josh was shot I had realized that I was head over heels in love with him. So when he was recovering I was by his side everyday. After he was diagnosed with P.T.S.D. I thought that he would let me help him through that too. I figured that I would finally be able to show him how much I loved him." I stated.

"So then what happened?" Stanley asked.

"Josh got help but he wouldn't let any of us help him through it. He said that we had already recovered from that night so it wasn't fair to drag us back." I said with a sigh.

"Did you understand what he meant by that?" He asked quietly.

"Not really. I could see that Josh was getting better so I dropped the matter." I said.

"I think that I can explain it to you like this, Josh needed to accept what happened to him. I'll bet that he fought that help that you gave him, at least at first." Stanley theorized.

"Yeah, he was a little pissed. He was with the first guy for seven-eight hours." I recalled.

"He needed to accept what happened to him on his own. I mean he had to slay the dragon that was in his mind on his own. Before he couldn't because everyone pulled him back before he could. In other words he had to hit rock bottom before he could heal. And then he had to crawl back up on his own in order to get back to more of a normal life. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?" Stanley asked.

"I guess." I mumbled.

"Okay continue your story." Stanley urged.

"Well, while Josh was slaying the dragon's in his mind I was feeling left out. There was the man I loved and he wasn't letting me in. So I began to date a little more frequently. In the beginning of February I met this guy named Robbie. I loved Josh but I never thought that my loved would be returned. Robbie was everything that I hoped Josh would be. But after we had been dating for a month Robbie had to take a business trip to Germany. Around that same time I discovered that I might be carrying his child. We were still deciding what to do when Robbie was in that..." My voice caught like I did when I was about to talk about Josh's accident.

"He was killed in the collision?" Stanley suggested gently.

"Yes. I came into Josh's office that morning and I was a total wreck. A man that I cared about deeply, well probably loved, had just died. And add that I was pregnant with his child I was crushed. I also thought that the other man that I loved didn't love me so I was all alone and pregnant. Josh found me that morning and he comforted me and he confessed his love for me. I guess he had done some soul searching but figured that he had already lost me. He offered to be the father of my baby. He was so eager and I said yes." I explained.

"Didn't you want to say yes?" Stanley asked.

"Oh yeah. That part was fine. We were married in this beautiful ceremony in Hawaii and for a while everything was great. Josh bounced around the halls of the West Wing like he was Tigger or something." I said causing Stanley to chuckle at that analogy. "The day of Josh's accident I found a stupid drawing that he had done. I got really angry with him and I screamed at him. I said some pretty horrible things to him. Like I wish he had died when he was shot, and how I wished a car would hit him. I was just so furious for no reason. Josh tried to apologize but I wouldn't let him so he left to go to a fundraiser with the president and I realized what I had told him. Before I could apologize he had been hit by a delivery truck."

"Donna, what was the drawing of?" Stanley asked.

"Of Robbie with a noose around his neck. I knew it was Robbie because Josh had chosen to label it, otherwise I would've figured it was some senator or something." I said absently.

"Why would Josh draw a picture of Robbie?" Stanley asked.

"Oh on the afternoon before he died Robbie came and surprised me with a visit and he took me out to lunch. I was really late coming back from that lunch." I stated.

"So does Josh draw pictures of your boyfriend's often?" Stanley asked.

"I don't think so. Oh yeah I forgot to say that everyone else had gone to Chicago and Josh had been left behind. They were afraid he wasn't ready because of his P.T.S.D. and while I was at lunch some reporters asked him if he really had the disorder. C.J. had told him not to make headlines and then he was asked that. No one was there to help him." I remembered.

"I never read about that in the papers. I mean I knew that he had it because he came and talked to me about it a few times." Stanley offered.

"Josh did a really good job of explaining it that they decided not to print it." I replied.

"That's good. So what happened after he was in the accident?" Stanley asked quietly.

"Well, I was already upset by what I had said and C.J. had tried to assure me that Josh wasn't mad at me. I tried to call him and apologize but his phone was dead. When I found out what had happened I felt so incredibly guilty. I had found out that Josh's cousin Amy had also died the day that Robbie did, and that he kept it from me because he didn't want to minimize my loss. Josh married me not just because he wanted to be the father of my baby, he was afraid of losing me. But I had told him he didn't really love me and I had told him that I wanted Robbie's name to be on the birth certificate. I told him that he was selfish and none of it was true." I stated in a quiet voice.

"So you felt too guilty to tell him that you didn't mean it?" Stanley asked.

"I didn't think that he would want me after what I said to him. I was afraid that I couldn't be the wife that he deserved. I stayed away from him because I didn't want to hurt him anymore." I replied.

"And is he okay with this?" Stanley asked gently.

"No. All I've done is destroy him even more. He gave me his heart and I gave it back to him in millions of little pieces. I had isolated myself from him for two months and I figured that he couldn't still love me. I filed for divorce thinking that that's what was best for the both of us." I sobbed.

"But it's not what you really want is it?" Stanley asked gently.

"No. I just want to be Josh's wife. I want to cuddle up with him every night. I want to hear him call me Donnatella in that sexy voice of his. Josh has tried to reach out to me and I have rejected all of his attempts. He was the one in the hospital so I should have been reaching out to him. C.J. came by and told me today how Josh handled the divorce papers. I had let myself believe that he couldn't still care about me, because I couldn't care about me." I said sobbing even more.

"Donna, Josh still loves you. And he will forgive you, but before he can forgive you, you have to forgive yourself. I think that a part of you is still blaming yourself for not being there when he was shot. And you are blaming yourself for noticing that he wasn't all right once he came back to work. I'm pretty sure I could go on, but I think you see where I am going with this." Stanley stated.

"I was so cruel to him. Why?" I asked angrily.

"Because you were scared of losing him. He almost died twice. Because you were so consumed with guilt after the first time you just figured that the second time had to be your fault because you had told him to get hit. But it's not your fault, okay. You placed yourself in a shell because you thought that no one should love you. It didn't matter that someone did, you just wanted to rid yourself of that love because you didn't think you deserved it. But everyone deserves to be loved. Even the most horrible person in the world deserves to be loved. Because we need that love in our life." Stanley said.

"Do you really think that he will forgive me?" I asked as I wiped some tears away.

"Yes, I do. But you have to forgive yourself first. You have to let go of that guilt." Stanley urged.

And it may take some time

To patch me up inside

I thanked Stanley and I left his office. I guess I could agree with what he was saying. I felt a lot better. I yelled out loud once I got outside. I figured that yelling would be the best way to let go of my guilt. Once I stopped I did feel better. My next mission was to find Josh, and pray that he hadn't signed the papers.


	5. Best I Ever Had, The 5

 

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. And the song is not mine either.

Best I ever had

By Mer

Part 5

I laid on the couch a little more after Toby left. I didn't really know how to handle the situation. Toby had told me to fight for her, but I thought I had been doing that. Maybe sending e-mails and leaving phone messages didn't count. I had never allowed myself to be this deeply in love before, not even when I was with Mandy. So maybe I didn't know the proper way to fight for the woman I loved. Yeah, I so what if I'm scared that she'll reject me, but hasn't she already been doing that?

  __

But I can't take it

So I run away and hide

I continued to stare down at the divorce papers. I wondered if Donna was doing the same thing. Granted she had been the one who gave them to me but did she really mean them? Did she really want a divorce? A voice in my head screamed no, but Donna's voice filtered in over it.

  ****

"Josh I know your ego and how you can't think much beyond yourself, and your needs."

Donna had been so angry and I now I could finally see her point. I had been thinking about myself. I married her because I needed her. I married her because I was alone and I needed someone to hold me. I married her for my reasons.

  __

And I may find in time

That you were always right

You're always right

Wait, no I didn't just marry her for my reasons. I married her because she needed me as much as I needed her. I jumped up off the couch but I quickly realized that had been a huge mistake. I had forgotten that my legs couldn't support me as well as they once had, so I had fallen flat on my face. My situation was made worse by laughter I heard.

"Glad to see that someone thinks this is funny." I muttered from my position on the floor.

"Ahhh, but Josh you look ridiculous." Charlie said from his place in my doorway.

"What are you doing here anyway?" I asked as I pulled myself into a sitting position.

"I was told to drag you out of your office at all costs." Charlie remarked.

"You talked to Toby then huh?" I asked looking up at him.

"Yeah, Zoey and I helped them finish painting. The house is finally done Josh." Charlie beamed proudly.

"That's good." I replied.

"Did she really?" Charlie asked softly, as if finishing the sentence would be too hard.

"Yeah." I replied without looking at him.

"Want me to sick the secret service out on her?" Charlie asked with mock-seriousness.

"Nah, they couldn't take her." I replied with a grin.

"Josh there is something that I have been meaning to ask you." Charlie began as he shifted around nervously.

"And that would be? Come on man I don't bite." I exclaimed.

"Would it be alright if I asked Zoey to marry me?" Charlie asked.

With some effort I pulled myself up into a standing position. I didn't really know what to say. His question seemed to come out of nowhere. I wondered why he was asking my permission, wasn't that a question you were supposed to ask the father or the intended girl?

"I wasn't sure I should because of what happened." Charlie asked quietly.

Damn, his anxiety face was replaced with a look of guilt. I saw that his eyes had gravitated to my chest. Why did everyone always do that? I placed my hand on his shoulder and then the other on his face. I brought his head up so that he was looking at me.

"Yes, you should ask Zoey to marry you. And that night wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault." I said in a voice he knew not to disagree with.

"Do you think she'll say yes?" Charlie asked.

I let out the breath that I had been holding. Phew, I wasn't going to have to give him more of a speech. I flashed him one of my patented grins.

"She'd better or I'll sick the secret service out on her." I replied to which Charlie laughed.

"Where did you propose to Donna? I'm sorry." Charlie said, as the guilty look returned.

Damn, not another guilty look. I am not made of glass people when are you going to realize that? I survived a gunshot wound and being hit by a delivery truck, I think I'm too stubborn to die.

"Right here actually. Romantic huh?" I asked with a little laugh.

"Josh, what are you going to do with the house now?" Charlie asked quietly.

Okay where are all of these questions coming from? I am getting just a little fed up with them. But actually Charlie did have a point. What was I going to do with it? My lease was almost up in my apartment. I guess I could still try and give it to Donna. But if she didn't want it, I would be stuck with it.

"It's still her house." I stated softly.

"I see." Charlie said slowly. "Come on I promised them that I would drag you out of here for dinner. Sam wanted to have us all over to his place."

"That's nice of him." I stated quickly.

"There's more, Sam cooked." Charlie replied with a grin.

"Can we eat before we go?" I asked light heartedly.

"I promised Zoey I wouldn't." Charlie replied with a smile.

"But you didn't say anything about me." I protested.

"Come on Josh, Sam's cooking can't be that bad." Charlie theorized.

"Yeah well, you weren't there for Thanksgiving." I commented.

"Trust me I would trade the history of Thanksgiving marathon of speeches I received for it. I didn't know that the president knew so much about the place settings they had back then." Charlie exclaimed.

"Point taken. Okay we can go." I said with a sigh.

"Hey aren't you forgetting something?" Charlie asked as he saw only my crutches.

Damn, Toby didn't bust me without my wheelchair but leave it to Charlie. Now not only will I have a nightmare to explain away, I had to explain that too. C.J was already pissed at me earlier because I had been painting.

"No." I replied and I gave him a smile.

"Josh." Charlie said in a warning tone.

"Please don't tell C.J. she's already pissed enough." I begged.

"She's worried about you too." Charlie said softly. "We all are."

Charlie didn't really need to add that, I assumed it was implied. So what if I was recovering from a near fatal hit and run? So what if my wife wanted a divorce? So what if I had once been diagnosed with PTSD? Wasn't I allowed to live my own life anymore? Wait, I suddenly remembered that their concern was a good thing.

"I know, but could we please keep this a secret?" I begged him.

"I guess I owe you that much." Charlie replied with a sigh.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Charlie was letting me off the hook. He walked along beside me and I think he wasn't too thrilled about the snails pace. But he kept his mouth shut. Which was a good thing since I was really exhausted so I was walking even slower than my new pace allowed.

We got out to the parking lot and Charlie offered to drive me over since he had to bring Zoey back anyway. I thought about it but decided that I needed to drive myself over. I would be cramped on the way back with my wheelchair on his little backseat with me. Charlie must have figured that was my reasoning because he didn't press the matter. He just said that he would meet me there and if I didn't arrive shortly after him that he would send out a search party.

On the drive there I longed for Donna to be in the car with me. Hell, I longed for her all the time. I knew that I had to try at least once more to make amends with her, but I wasn't holding out much hope. I guess I was beginning to tell myself that it was probably over.

  __

So you sailed away

Into a gray sky morning

Now I'm here to stay

Love can be so boring

I arrived in the parking lot at the same time as Charlie did. It wasn't until I started to get out of the car that I realized Sam's apartment was on the second floor. And not only that but his building has an archaic elevator that no one ever used. Charlie noticed my uneasiness.

"Think you can walk up it?" Charlie asked.

"I've overdone it already today." I said softly.

"I'll be right back." He assured me.

Damn, my day kept getting worse. Now I was this huge burden to my friends. You see I had pretty much taken my situation in stride except when it came to times like this. Now I was definitely more appreciative of all the disability regulations. I figured I could sue Sam's super but that wasn't my style.

"Okay Josh ready?" Charlie asked as he came back with Toby and Sam.

I laughed as the three of them picked up my wheelchair. They hoisted me up the stairs like I weighed as much as a feather. Though, they did drop the chair down pretty hard once we reached Sam's floor. I thanked them all and they all nodded.

We got into Sam's apartment and low and behold Donna was on the couch talking to Zoey. Damn, I knew that there had to be a reason for this impromptu get together. They were trying to force Donna and me to at least talk things over.

Donna looked at me for a moment and then she immediately looked back at Zoey. She tried to act like she was interested in whatever Zoey was saying. But it was clear that she wasn't. Toby tried to nudge me into the apartment but I wouldn't go in.

  __

What was it you wanted

Could it be I'm haunted

"Who's idea was this?" I asked through clenched teeth.

"Actually..." Sam stammered as he shut the door so that they couldn't hear us.

"Guys, I know what you're trying to do." I replied curtly. "But I can handle things my own way."

"Like this afternoon in your office?" Toby asked.

"Toby!" I exclaimed.

"Come on Josh it's just a cozy dinner between friends." Sam pleaded.

"Charlie?" I asked searching for a little sympathy.

"We knew getting you here would be easy, I just didn't think that we could get Donna here." Charlie commented without looking me in the eye.

Damn, Damn, Damn, Damn. My friends were setting me up. Great now I was going to have a public rejection. Smooth move guys. I had kept it out of the office hoping to avoid this. But know all I needed was Leo and the president and my humiliation would be complete.

"No one else is coming right?" I asked.

"No why?" Sam questioned with a surprised look.

"Because I was just wondering how much worse this is gonna get?" I snapped.

"Chill out Josh. Leo's busy and the president is with the first lady at the theatre." Charlie assured me.

"But they gave us their blessing." Toby offered.

I threw them all a glance that was filled with daggers. But I could see that they were really trying. They knew I was hurting, and they knew Donna was hurting. They figured it would be best to throw us back together. I hoped that they were right. I then gestered to the door and we all went in.

  


	6. Best I Ever Had, The 6

 

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Aaron Sorkin and the other people at NBC. And the song is not mine either.

Best I ever had

By Mer

Part 6

I had left Stanley's and had gone over to Josh's apartment. He wasn't there but then part of me knew he wouldn't be there. I had gotten in my car and cried all the way home. I really needed to make amends with him, but I had to find him first. I had to find my husband and tell him that I loved him. There were so many things I needed to say. But I wondered if he could forgive me.

  __

But it's not so bad

You're only the best I ever had

I hadn't been home for very long when Sam called. He was really sweet to me and he asked how I was. I know that he had to know what I had done. But he didn't even mention it. Instead he invited me over for dinner. I wanted to say no, but I didn't.

Soon after I arrived at Sam's apartment I realized I wasn't going to be the only dinner companion. Toby, Zoey and C.J. showed up a few minutes later. C.J. smiled at me and gave me reassuring hug. She whispered that she didn't really have any hard feelings towards me. It dawned on me why I was there when she said that. They were trying to change my mind, which they hadn't realized she had already changed.

  __

I don't want you back

You're just the best I ever had

Zoey kept me in conversation so I decided maybe I shouldn't try to leave. But I was totally unprepared for Josh to show up. It was even worse than I had thought. Not only were they trying to change my mind, they were trying to make me do it publicly. Damn, I was screwed.

Okay in my defense I knew I was wrong and I had tried to find Josh myself earlier. But why were they making this so hard? I had seen Josh in the doorway and I saw his reluctance to come in. Was it because he didn't want to make up with me or was it because he wasn't sure it was what I wanted.

My mind was still swimming with these questions when Josh came in. Everybody pretended like nothing unusual was happening. But my heart was leaping out of my chest. There was the man that I loved, the man that I had hurt so much. He gave me a quick smile and I froze.

"Donna, can you help me in the kitchen? I don't know what Sam has done to the dinner..." C.J. called.

I avoided everyone's eyes as I went into the kitchen. C.J. gave me another hug. I glared at her once we pulled away.

"What happened to letting me tell him on my own?" I asked icily.

"Calm down we never said that you had to talk here." C.J. assured me.

"But you got both me and Josh together in the same apartment." I stammered.

"You work in the same office too." C.J. commented.

"This isn't fair." I protested.

"Talk to him, don't talk to him. We don't care we just thought you wanted to have dinner with your friends. Donna, whatever you decide we still think of you as a friend and not just Josh's wife." C.J. stated firmly.

"Alright. So what was the big kitchen emergency?" I asked changing the subject.

"Oh I need you to help me to re-make the salad. Sam kind of dropped it." C.J. smiled.

I rolled my eyes and I went about cutting up some vegetables. C.J. recruited Zoey to help set the table. The main course was a big surprise. Sam refused to let us look in the oven. All he would say was that we needed a salad to go with it. But whatever it was, it smelled good.

I could hear Josh laughing in the living room. He seemed so happy. I longed to go out there and give him a great big hug. I longed to be the one that he was telling embarrassing stories about. Okay did I just say that? Oh yeah I did but who cares. I dropped the knife I was holding on the counter.

"Donna, when is the baby due anyway?" Zoey asked not noticing I had dropped the knife.

"Um..." I replied without paying much attention.

"Donna, you okay?" C.J. asked.

"Yeah, fine." I lied.

"Okay but it's easier to cut carrots with a knife then it is to do it with your hands." C.J. pointed out.

"So it is." I muttered as I picked the knife back up.

Oh who was I kidding? I couldn't hide away in the kitchen anymore. I placed the knife back down and I went into the living room. Josh was in the middle of a funny story about Sam from long before the campaign. He didn't even notice me approaching. I was sitting in his lap before he did.

His eyes widened in surprise as I wrapped my arms around him. I began to mutter I was sorry. He just kissed the top of my head and he whispered that we would talk about this later. I looked up at him and he mouthed the word privately. I gave him another hug and I went back into the kitchen.

Silence filled the apartment. No one really knew what they had just witnessed. Then I could feel the mood lighten as Sam began an even more embarrassing story about Josh. I was just happy that he hugged me back. And he kissed me he actually kissed me.

Zoey and C.J. had missed the little exchange. They had just assumed I had gone to the bathroom or something. I smiled to myself; at least I had one secret from the two of them.

The rest of the evening seemed to fly by. Josh and I talked a little but nothing like we needed to. C.J. had raised her eyebrows until Toby finally whispered to her what had happened. She smiled and then had gone back to eating.

Sam had made us lasagna and to all of our surprise it was very, very good. I think that everyone else had been remembering the disaster with the stuffing on Thanksgiving. Josh was the only one without a surprised look on his face. Charlie was the first one to get the nerve to ask him why.

"Josh how come you don't look surprised? I had to practically beg you to come once you found out that Sam was cooking." Charlie stated.

"Well, I..." Josh stuttered, as his face got all red.

"Well?" Everyone asked.

Josh looked at Sam who shrugged. His face got an even darker shade of red. I had forgotten how much fun it was to see Josh squirm. Everyone was waiting for an answer.

"I forgot that he could make lasagna?" Josh stated, though it was more of a question.

"Joshua, what are you hiding for us? Sam just made us this great meal. Why were you holding out on us?" C.J. asked.

"Okay buddy you are so busted now. I gave you time to come clean." Josh offered.

"What did I do?" Sam asked innocently.

"This isn't Sam's cooking. It's pre-made from the restaurant down the street. All he had to do was heat it back up." Josh finally said.

"Samuel! You lied to me." C.J. stated.

"I'm a politician that's my job." Sam finally stated and everyone laughed.

"Zoey, I have something to ask you." Charlie said once the room was quiet again.

"Yeah?" Zoey asked in a confused voice.

"You know that I love you more than life itself. You know that I hurt every time you hurt. You know that you are my sun, and you are my moon. I love every second I spend with you. Will you do me the honor of being my bride?" Charlie asked as he fell down to one knee and produced a gorgeous ring.

"Yes." Zoey replied softly and everyone clapped.

As I had been watching this happen and while it was I had felt my wedding ring being slipped off. I looked over and Josh was holding it in his hand. He began to mouth the words that Charlie was saying. A tear came to my eye as I nodded yes. Josh slipped the ring back on my finger and he grinned at me.

"I hate to break up this party, but Donna and I have some things to discuss." Josh said softly.

Everyone looked over at us and they nodded. Josh gave grabbed a piece of paper and he wrote something on it. He told me to go to that address a few minutes after he left Sam's. The address seemed vaguely familiar but I just nodded. While they took Josh back downstairs I congratulated Zoey.

"I am so happy for you two." I said as I gave her a hug.

"I am happy for you to." She replied with a sly smile.

"Why?" I asked confused.

"I saw what Josh did." C.J. stated.

"I can't believe it either. Where does he want me to go?" I asked.

"My lips are sealed." C.J. smiled.

"Mine too." Zoey added.

I left a few minutes later like I had been instructed to do. I drove to the address that had been written down. The neighborhood looked extremely familiar but I couldn't be totally sure because it was dark out. Then I pulled into a driveway and I saw Josh's car. This was really odd, where were we at?

It wasn't until I started up the walk that I could see where I was. It was the little house that I had seen three months ago after we first got married. It was a house I remembered that needed a lot of work. Why did he bring me here? What in the hell was he up to?

I noticed that the front door had been left open a little bit so I walked inside. That's when I realized that the house no longer needed to be fixed up. The interior was as beautiful as I had imagined it being. A tear began to streak down my cheek as I also realized why it had been fixed up. Josh had bought it for me.

"Don't cry Donnatella." Josh said softly, as for the first time I noticed him perched on a couch.

"You did this for me even after what I did." I stated in a dazed voice.

"Well, at the time I bought this place we both needed a house. So everyone began to help me fix it up." Josh stated slowly before adding, "Even after everything else that happened."

"But I have been so horrible." I confessed looking into his eyes.

"I wouldn't say horrible..." Josh said as he tried to joke.

"How can you ever forgive me after everything I did?" I asked quietly.

"Because you have forgiven me for all the horrible things I said when I was fighting PTSD. Because you forgave me for not letting you help me." Josh replied.

"What I did was so much worse than what you did. You were nearly killed and you were fighting demons because of that. I was so much worse. I wasn't there when you needed me. How can you ever forgive me?" I asked.

"Because I love you. Because I've loved you since that day you became my assistant. Since I almost lost you twice." Josh said quietly.

"But you were the one who almost died both times." I protested.

"I still would have lost you." Josh commented softly.

"Josh, I am so sorry. I never meant what I said. I was angry and it was stupid and childish. I never meant for you to get hurt. I never meant..." I began to sob.

"Shhh, I know. Come here." Josh said.

I did as Josh asked and he wrapped me up in his arms as I cried on his shoulder. He slowly rocked me back and forth. He whispered how much he loved me and that of course he would forgive me. When I stopped crying he gently brushed some stray tears away.

  __

The best I ever had

"Has any one ever told you what a big softie you are?" I asked.

"I will always have a soft spot in my heart for you." Josh replied with a grin.

"So everybody worked on this?" I asked.

"Uh huh and there is a video tape around to prove it." Josh laughed devilishly.

"I don't deserve you, you know?" I stated.

"I know but my charm is hard to resist." Josh said as he got this proud grin on his face.

"So is it okay if we forget about the divorce?" I asked.

"Well, yes, but there is one thing I hoped we could do first." Josh said slyly.

"And what would that be?" I asked.

Suddenly, I felt Josh tickling me. I was extremely ticklish and he knew it. He just laughed evilly at the way I was squirming.

"Payback's a bitch." I exclaimed as I began to try and tickle him.

We both ended up in a heap on the floor. Too out of breath to get back up we just laid there on the floor. Josh put his head on my stomach. He tried to listen to the baby moving around. Should I tell him that I was having twins? Nah I think I'll save that little detail until tomorrow. I got plans for the rest of the night.

  __

The best I ever had

The End

 


End file.
